Now I know how icing feels...

Some who read this blog know me, others don't, but eh, such happens on the net. Anyways, those who do know me know I tend to spread myself too thin, but I tend to rarely go into detail as to exactly why or how, this post may hold little interest for most random people who stumble onto my stuff so I apologize in advanced there, this one is more or less to update my friends on why the hell I'm nearing mental breakdown levels right now.
So here's the list:

Online:

 This blog is very small strain on me, I write in it when I feel like it, however I do have the slightly more straining roll as the founder and main admin of an RP site, Devil's Bloodline, figuring out all the ins and outs of it, making sure activity keeps going, running the plots, those are strains I do not mind, I enjoy doing these things, they are a nice and less stressful break from my more serious stresses, same with posting on some other sites though those come as secondary to DB, as, well, I kinda have a hell of a lot more investment in DB than any other site, being the founder kinda holds that responsibility, a responsibility I do not mind because the people who RP on the site are great, Katt, Jetta, Kai, Michi, Wolfun, Arctic, Nyoko, a possible new player we may be getting seems pretty cool and my bro is gonna be joining up too, everyone there's is a good RPer who knows how to have fun, I love the site because of that, they are the main example of why I enjoy running the site.

I also take part in other sites as well, something I tend to enjoy, until something sours it for me. I'll not say the names of the other forums I RP in because I don't run those, but those from said forums know which one's I'm in, I'll not point out specific things that have soured the experience for me as I don't want to offend those I see as friends, but some know those points. By the way, don't ask me what, not until I'm in a stable state of mind, I don't want my response to seem aggressive which it tends to be when I'm overly stressed.

That being said, I also have some people I help online, these names will not be released because of the fact I respect them enough not to, but I do have people come to me for advice and just someone to listen online, I don't exactly mind that but it does add a good bit to my strain, mostly due to the fact that these people are friends who I have emotional investment in helping, which it can just slam me hard when I'm not able to help them. My friends are my family, I wanna do what I can to help them but sometimes it just doesn't work out.

Creative endeavors:
 I tend to start a lot of projects, curse of being an artist, problem is that only 50% of the projects I start get completed and my normal response is "I'll get to those someday." . . .thing is, I really do intend to get to them someday but my mind doesn't stop popping out with new ideas which push back older projects even farther until I'm more or less forced to abandon them. I like my art, I like my projects, there just aren't enough damned hours in the goddamn day! I intend to finish ever project I start, then end up forced to abandon 50% of them cause I take a small break and during said break end up with a newer, better concept, yet if I work on something non-stop I can finish it in a month. So I kinda have that little fact stalking behind me all the time.

Let's not even get started on my novel, I'm still chipping away at it, but it is taking me quite a while to get anyplace with it, that's a project I can't abandon, 3 years in the works for concept, plot and writing, yea, that's too much time invested to stop that project. I enjoy my creative projects for the most part, problem is when those projects include not only art but 3D animation, music creation, 2D art, video editing, writing and odd conceptual styles on top of that, well, like I said about, there aren't enough hours in the day.


Day to Day Life!: 
As if the above isn't enough, here's the long list. First off, my health is less than predictable, I can be fine one day and need help getting out of bed the next, can be standing, talking to someone and my vision blacks out before I drop like a sack of fricking bricks (Unexplained vertigo and loss of  consciousness, doctors have no clue what's causing it), I walk with a near permanent limp due to a messed up knee and other joint damage. The chronic migraines are a killer and, get this, my body has grown resistant to over the counter pain meds, they take the edge off but the pain is still there! Not to mention my arthritis (Yea, I'm 22, bout to be 23, but I have moderate arthritis due to a history of joint injuries) acts up each and every time the weather so much as hiccups, hell, my left wrist is hurting like a bitch right now due to a recent front that went through here! Then there's the back pain that gets so bad sometimes it makes me not want to move. Add that with extreme Hypoglycemia, Crohn's Disease (genetic illness, has been in my family for generations), extreme bi-polar disorder (I have this partly under control without meds, since meds worsened my health) and PTSD and, yea, I should be bedridden half the time, but I'm not.

Even with the health issues listed above, it seems mother nature didn't think that was enough on my plate. I am also the one who keeps some sense of order in the home I reside in. My roommate, sweet as he can be sometimes, can also be a major pain in the ass at times too. I have to watch out for him to keep him safe, try to teach him what his no-good care takers (His adoptive brother and sister who took him in after his adoptive mother, who had been a GOOD mom, passed away) neglected to teach him, try to repair the damage they did by putting him down and degrading him every turn (Emotional and psychological abuse, but oh they think they're of so perfect.) I have even witnessed they insult him flat out on the phone when he is an adult! They manipulated him into giving them control of his money when he made a single mistake, even though mistakes are part of human nature, thus taking control of all his inheritance that his adoptive mother had given him and, when I met this boy, he was drinking his life away, renting out a room in a small home with another roommate who didn't care for him to begin with, and guess who it was that shoved him in that situation?

His adoptive sister and brother, yet in their eyes they did no wrong. And let someone point on their flaws or even swear towards them, they're stereotypical hypocrites, and yes, I have called them out on it. They judged me before they even knew me, even though I managed to pull my roommate, who at the time was my boyfriend, out of his self destructive habits, he use to get into drugs, drinking and partying all the time, now he's clean, he does not touch drugs any longer and he might have, maybe a beer a month, his health has also improved greatly, he's no longer skin and bones, he's no longer living to die, he's actually a person now instead of a damned shell, and I am still working on trying to repair all the damage, our relationship hadn't worked out the first go round, but the boy still needed help, thus even after we broke up I stayed as his roommate to continue helping him. He's 24 years old, and is just now 'getting it', but he still shows signs of returning to his old ways from time to time until I snap him out of it and, guess what, he only seems to show signs of returning to old ways when he has to deal with his adoptive siblings more frequently than normal. I don't know about you, but I think that's a pretty big red flag pointing right at them being the cause right there.

Basically I'm playing caretaker to a grown man because of a couple of self righteous idiots, but I can't turn away from him because he is trying, if he wasn't trying then he never would have improved, besides, his low self esteem, low sense of self worth and thinking, and I quote, that he is a "fuckup" in everything he does, is not his fault, it is their's, I'm better than them, and unlike them I will not turn my back on someone who needs the help. That takes a lot out of me because I'm playing therapist to him a lot, along side the roles of caretaker, protector and friend.

Due to the above I am also the one most of the responsibility of the home falls on, I have to handle all the bills, budget out everything, be sure we have enough for food even though our income isn't that huge, in truth we're below poverty levels even with both of our incomes combined. Have to keep maintenance up on everything in the house so we don't have to replace appliances because, goodness knows our budget can't take that blow. Even though I'm ill and often hurting, I still have to do these things, as well as see to it that my roommate is up and ready in time for work, which he's like a kid when you try to wake him up, you know the 'five more minutes' line, I happen to hear it a lot from this guy. Have to make sure his work uniform is able to be found and not trying to crawl away of it's own power (AKA, remind him to wash it all the time). I also have to keep up with the services of the home, be it electric, internet, phone, to make sure we have enough to handle it, we have no cable service, it was net or cable, net won since it has more uses. Then there's caring for him if he falls ill, which he so overplays when he falls sick. I also have to do the home repairs when needed, but thankfully the normal maintenance avoids most larger repairs, making them less frequent. I also have to see to the health of the furred and feathered family members, but they are worth the care in and of themselves, well, at least the birds are, that cat, eh, I could do without the cat, he's my roommate's cat but I still have to make sure it's alright.

And I do all this when hurting, dealing with my own mental instability, even when my health hits rock bottom. What do I hear when I mention I'm not feeling well? "You hide it so well I can't tell when you're not feeling good!" ummm, yea, try having to handle what I do while perpetually ill, it's not so much hiding it as you're so use to it that it's just part of being alive for you. Yea, maybe I should slow down, ease off, rest more, but then what the hell would I get done? Someone has to do these things, they won't do themselves! And I try to do all this shit and still have time for things I enjoy, this is why I'm almost always multitasking. Thankfully my roommate has become a little more understanding with time that I can only do so much and he tries to help, he just doesn't always know how to. I'm thankful when he just, brings me something to eat while I'm at the computer, it doesn't sound like much, but it means less limping about and less pain in the joints from moving, a small break but, every small break helps in my case.


In Conclusion: 
So then, for those who ask what's wrong, or why I an stressed/feel like shit/nearing a mental breakdown, there you go, there's you answer right there, it's never just one thing, it's always a build up, a build up that sometimes has me nearing a mental breakdown. I normally just say it comes with the territory of my life, well, there's the territory, may have missed a few parts but that's the overview. I still can't quit, gotta just keep pushing through, part of survival with me. So those who asked why, now you know.