I've been watching the whole internet blackout situation in Egypt progress, at first with them blocking twitter and facebook, now they seem to have gone balls to the proverbial wall. All of the current recap can be found here at www.renesys.com as I'll not go over all the situation here, they did a pretty good job in summarizing the situation.
Now, I know the gut reaction is "Well their government had too much control! That's there, not here!" but, think about it, they've proven they can do this, they've blazed that trail, how long before other counties get the same bright idea? Now, a lot will be dictated by how this pans out, if we can even get information about it, with communications cut the rest of the world knows little of what if going on within those borders, but the fact remains, we know this has happened, they have been shut off.
Don't get me wrong, I love modern technology, but this is a very scary reminder of just how dependent we are on it as a race today. It shows how much we've grown to rely on it, to take it for granted. For many it is a primary method of communication, of organizing, even of getting help or resources when needed, the internet has become a very big part of our lives, but maybe we're taking it for granted too much. These people they cut off paid their internet bills, were under a contract, many just normal people like you, me, the guy next door, just average citizens, and they cut them off with thus far, no recourse. It's very, very sobering to see this happen and serves as a very sudden slap in the face. Think about it, how much control does your ISP have? You pay your bills, keep your end of the bargain, but can they do this to you? They did it to the people in Egypt.
I really think this proves that a backup plan for the people is a very good idea, because if cut off like this, a lot of people are up a certain creek without a paddle. Normally my blog entries are full of sarcasm, humor from time to time and a bit of snark, but not this time, this situation, the reality of it, is a very serious matter. Yea, some may read this and think that those who'd be effected by something like this spend too much time online, but that's far from truth. So much today is handled via the internet, bank accounts, many means of communication, medical networks, the economy itself is dependent on the internet, any major business would be unable to communicate with it's branches if the internet was cut. We're talking about no credit or debt cards working, no atms being able to communicate with accounts, business and school branches being unable to transfer data, no GPS, no cell phone usage considering how many use data plans, emergency services being less accessible, it's not a place we want to be in. It really is a wake up call.
Yes, it happened to another country, but Egypt has proven they can do it, counties often look to what others have done and the result to see if they can pull the same stunt, in this case, I'm just hoping it backlashes on Egypt's government with a vengeance, because if it doesn't, then it's opening a world wide can of worms.
More info on the Egypt situation:
Real time graph of connections from Egypt: http://stat.ripe.net/egypt
Video timeline: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6M-Xz9fIPx8
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
K-Bar-B Youth Ranch- The experiences of one who lived through it.
It is no secret that the Louisiana regulations for foster care are a flat out joke, the children within the foster care system here are treated as if they have no rights. It is not like this everyplace, I know when I was in California, though I did butt heads with a few higher ups in their foster care system, I was at least treated as human. In Louisiana, I was treated like an object because, to them, I was a child without rights despite the fact my IQ and reasoning skills were beyond most of the foster care workers I had encountered.
I am an adult now, will be 23 soon, I was last in foster care in Louisiana, specifically K-Bar-B Youth Ranch, which is a group home, when I was 16 years of age. I have remained in silence, hoping they would change the place for the better, hoping they would realize that the way they allowed some staff to treat the children there was immoral and in some cases abusive. I am barred from even seeing the premises, because I did not finish their little program which is, in all truth, a demoralizing joke against the residents there.
K-Bar-B is located in Lacombe, LA, very near to Slidell. I shall begin by first pointing out their practices, then the state which their facilities were in when I was there, then the abusive actions of some staff at the facility alone with how a blind eye was turned. This is not being typed out to ruin a reputation, no, I lived through this, I escaped it, what you will be reading in this post are true accounts of what I personally witnessed while within this group home. They silenced and tried to disregard my words when I was a teenager, but now I will not be silenced. Since this post is speaking the truth of what I encountered, it is protected by the first amendment of the United States Constitution. Though considering their history of not caring about what the constitution said when I was in that group home, I don’t expect that fact to stop them from trying to sic their law dogs on me, but let them try, they didn’t break my will when I was there, they will not break it now.
First off, unsavory practices I witnessed. The first thing that sticks out in my mind is once went I was on the phone, someone who was on my approved contact list, approved by Louisiana State OCS for me to speak to, they asked me how things were at K-Bar-B, I spoke the truth, that it wasn’t as nice as they made it out to be during my visit the first time and that we got near no privacy and were treated as if we were all delinquents when some where there due to abuse, not our own doing. The staff, who always stood right there when we were on the phone, hung up the phone via pushing down the receiver, disconnecting the call. They didn’t want me to say what was really going on, they wanted me to act like everything was perfect there, in other words they expected me to lie, it is a prime example of them cutting off my voice while there.
There is also the instance when I went to one of the hearing dates when I was trying to return to my father’s, yes, my father was highly abusive but I would have rather fend him off then continue to live as if I had no voice against this ‘respected group home’ who more less tried to discredit me at every turn because they didn’t want the truth to be known by the masses. Anyways, one of the staff was in the hearing room and the moment I mentioned the mistreatment of K-Bar-B Youth Ranch, as well as their infringement on base human rights, their poor diet they fed the residents there, the staff who came along jumped right in to try and discredit me. Due to being in front of a judge she could not at the time threaten me with ‘restriction’ (which is basically being stuck in your room like you’re being held in solitary confinement and even requiring you to ask to go to the restroom, they issued this for the smallest of infractions to their rules.) so her hands were pretty tied in that aspect, any frowned upon actins she would have taken would have been seen by the judge so she tried to discredit me. After the hearing I got berated and put on restriction for speaking the truth they wanted no one to know.
That’s not even to mention how they kept using any funds they got to fix up their front offices while the cabins we were kept in remained poorly kept and decrepit. That does bring me to my next point, the state in which the facilities were in. The residents of K-Bar-B Youth Ranch were kept in rooms in these old cabins, many of which had severe plumbing issues, I remember a few times having to take a plunger to the sink in the kitchen as well as seeing a few other residents doing the same because they would back up so horridly, just thinking of it makes me fight off a gag. The water quality of the place was a nightmare, the water held a faint yellow tint and smelled of sulfur, yet as many times as this was brought up, it was ignored. I can understand the small bits of debris coming from the facets, as disgusting as it is, that is common down here but the sulfuric smell and taste of the water is inexcusable. They may have fixed it by know, I do not know, as I said I am not able to see their premises since I did not finish their little program. It is also worth mentioning that the windows there were not even glass, but Plexiglas, it was thin and had very low impact resistance, something with is very easy to break, both to get out and to get in. They had no locks on the windows, though not as if a lock mattered when one could literally punch through the window pane. They did have a security system in place, motion sensors on the windows, but in truth that was more to keep people from escaping their cabins than to protect the residents within.
There were many places within the cabins that leaked, many of the carpets within had stains from water leaking through, if I recall properly, which I believe I do, the roof of some of the cabins were even known to leak, their solution was not to fix it but to put a bin or something of the like under it to catch the water. The decent staff there (As they did have some decent people on staff, just not many) kept on telling the front office that these things needed to be fixed, the residents kept on telling the front office, but in the two and a half (about) years I was there, I never saw them fix anything. I saw them fix up their front office, which is where their public appearance front came into play, but never the actual cabins. Now they may have fixed these things since my time there, but this is the state this group home was in when I was there five years ago (in 2006) thus this is observations from then. That being said, however, I doubt much has changed, they didn’t seem too keen on fixing things then and, from when I last spoke to the people in the front office up there, well, their attitudes about it seem exactly the same now as they flat out don’t want the way they work to be criticized, even though I have a scar on my right wrist from one of their staff.
That does bring me to my next point, the abusive tendencies of some of their staff when I was there. I do recall one time that still sticks out in my mind and infuriates me to no end, one of their staff, during the evening when all the residents are beginning to settle down for rest, was upset because I was standing in my doorway trying to speak to her in a civil manner, as I did need to use the restroom and she was denying me the right to go to the restroom, that in and of itself is illegal as it is inhuman treatment of a minor. Well, she kept on yelling at me to get back in my room when, I was in my room the whole time, I was in the doorway of my room requesting to be able to take care of a biological necessity. Well because I knew what she was pulling was inhuman treatment, I moved to go to the bathroom anyways, I was not about to be treated like a dog by this staff, she then came at me, her stance and mannerisms threatening and grabbed both my wrists, yelling at me the whole time as she forced me back into the room and pinned me down against the bed. I will be honest, when she did this my self preservation instincts kicked in and I did aim to try to kick out her knee, in hindsight I wish I had managed to break her knee, but at the time self defense was the only think on my mind. While she was yelling at me, over me like I was some object or animal she was scolding, spitting in my face in the process, he nail dug into my right wrist, leaving a scar that is still there today. Now thus far I have avoided using exact names in this entry, but in this case I will state her first name, as she relinquished any rights to remain anonymous by scarring my wrist as she did on top of her blatant disrespect for the other residents there. Her name was Velma, I do not know her last name or I would post it as well.
When those in the front office who ran the group home were told about this, they did nothing, I got on a restriction because of what Velma pulled, so I got punished for a grown woman who should have known better’s actions. Because Velma went on a little power trip and the higher ups in the group home didn’t care about the mistreatment of the residents they were supposed to be protecting the well being of, legally, I took the backlash, that in and off itself is simply a deplorable way to run a group home. There were also many instances where I overheard staff saying that if another resident attacked a resident they didn’t like that they wouldn’t do anything to stop them, so much for a safe environment. I have also witnessed psychological abuse numerous times towards residents, when staff would begin to degrade them unprovoked or as an over-reaction to a simple statement. These staff are adults, they should know better and have the common sense to properly conduct themselves, yes, I understand everyone has bad days, but when it is constant, there’s something wrong. Once again, those who ran the group home turned a blind eye.
Now on to a few other, though less serious, infractions this group home committed unchecked. The food there, every time I ate I felt sick afterwards, it was very low grade, worse than what you would expect to find in a poor school’s cafeteria. That being said the cook for the group home did try, when she actually got decent food that was of a good quality, she tried to give us at least one nice meal once in a while, but she could only work with what K-Bar-B gave her and, more often than not, she only had low grade stuff to work with. Another is requiring religious activities. I am a Pagan, I was when I was within the group home as well, yet I was forced to attend the Christian services when volunteers from churches came to preach at the group home, and I was faced with punishment when I refused to go, that’s yet another infraction of the first amendment. Yes, it was great these religious volunteers came for the kids that were Christian, but there were others who were non-Christian who were forced to attend these things as well. There is separation of church and state for a reason, K-Bar-B breached that.
Now, there are a few misconceptions I wish to clear up, I will do so in this section. First off, I am not trying to call for this group home to be shut down, I want to see it improved to something that can actually take care of the kids in it’s care without the above issues, where kids who are victims of abuse can actually feel safe, be healthy and have a chance at life. Second, being in a group home does not mean a child is a delinquent, I ended up in foster care due to being severely abused by my father, two of the residents in K-Bar-B were there because they had no family, they were up for adoption through no fault of their own. One girl who was there had a very serious mental disorder by she was no trouble maker, in truth she was one of the kindest kids I saw go through that group home. Many are there not due to their actions like most thing, but due to circumstances beyond their control. I ended up in a mental hospital three times while in K-Bar-B, because the state of the group home and how I was treated there had me so depressed I began cutting myself, but after the first time I realized the mental ward treated me better than the group home, so the other two times I went there, I intentionally made them think I needed to be in the mental ward to escape K-Bar-B for a bit, in truth when I finally did break free from the group home, I used the mental ward as a way out, since K-Bar-B would not let me go, I had to manipulate the system, after being in the mental ward for a month K-Bar-B’s policies forced them to relinquish control of me, I used that to my advantage as a way out and it worked. The reason a lot of kids in that group home act out so much is because of how they are being treated, they might be teens but teens are very capable of knowing when their rights are being ignored, and when their voice is shut off by those controlling them, they have to find other ways to call the needed attention, and sadly their options are very limited.
I am not one to talk behind someone’s back, that’s simply not like me, so I will be sending a link to this entry to the K-Bar-B office, considering what they know of my I would not be surprised if they figured out who is behind these words, though their comments will be deleted if they use my real name on this blog’s comments section, I run the blog, and I dislike my name, if they wish to refer to me by my chosen name, fine, but my birth name is off limits. I have refrained from posting the full first and last names of those who run K-Bar-B and, with the exception of one first name, have avoided identifying the staff, even the first name I used is not highly identifying due to the lack of a last name with it. I am not writing this out of spite, but out of concern, I have stood silently for too long. I want to see this issues addressed, I want to see them fixed, I want proof they are fixed, not propaganda like K-Bar-B has been known to rely on in the past. The pictures seen on their website are nothing like what I saw when I was there, they are just a mask, to make it look like all is well. I want to see this fixed, they were one of very few group homes in the area, resources like group homes are needed, but they also need to be run properly.
I recall being told by staff not to mention the bad things to volunteers who came by the group home, that in and of itself shows they were trying to hide the negative and were a mask of positive public relations. Yea, if they know you’re coming, they’ll prepare it all to look just fine, it’s those candid moments, when they don’t see it coming that you see the truth. Them using the same social worker, who is supposed to be the voice of these kids, for all the kids there also is another good way of keeping control on the information, it may look simply convenient, but when that social worker seems to be rather good friends with those running K-Bar-B, it’s not too hard to see how fishy it is. This social worker may no longer be there, as I said, I do not know, but I have no choice but to assume he is until I see proof otherwise.
K-Bar-B’s website can be found with a Google search easy enough, so I will not disclose their contact information, full names of staff, any of that, if you found this blog and want to look deeper into it, I trust you can find their information. This place needs to be whipped into shape, not for the sake of a grudge, nor hostility, but for the sake of the children it takes in, I want to see them properly caring for them, not just shoving more medications down their throat to control them.
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Now, I said I went through all of this, and there is no lie that, there is nothing to gain by lying because, when one lies, sooner or later someone’s going to poke holes in their bubble, just like K-Bar-B’s public appearance and what this blog just did to that façade. I am soon to be 23 and the above has tormented my mind since leaving that place, it had to come out, this is merely an overview, were I to go into full detail of each and every occurrence, then this page would become a novel in and of itself. Those who have power in this aspect, please, see to this being fixed, I am disabled and ill, I only have so much strength to go full bore, but this needs to be seen to, it needs to be fixed and proven that it has been fixed once things are seen to. There should be no reason for a former resident of K-Bar-B to feel they need to make such tales of mistreatment public but due to the mistreatment, it did need to be said. Make sure this blog is the last time someone feels they need to point out such atrocities. I’m already out of the group home, what they do now has no sway on me or my life, but it has sway on the children who are still in their care and there shouldn’t be a single goddamned reason for another former resident to be so compelled to disclose this kind of information. It should not happen with the future generations who are there, there is no reason and no fucking excuse for these things not to be seen to, they’re taking in abused kids and degrading, mistreating and silencing them, breaking what little will these kids may still have. Enough is enough! I never want to hear that another child has been degraded by the staff there, I never, ever want to hear another child is scarred by the hands of their caregivers at K-Bar-B, I never want to hear of another who’s rights are stripped from them by this place, it needs to be fixed, and if I’m the only one with the balls to make this information public, then so be it.
This blog will not be taken down, any attempts by K-Bar-B to do so will be met with unyielding resistance, if needed I’ll even post it to multiple blog sites or a private server, this will not be silenced, not until it has been proven that this issue has been fixed. They tried to control my voice, deny the truth while I was there but they can do so no more. This is not a case of liability, I went through it, I saw it with my own eyes, heard it with my own ears, and I have every right in this country to speak the truth. I will not be silenced by K-Bar-B again, and any attempts at them doing so will also be made public. Ill or not, I will not yield, this needs to be fixed, not for me, not for residents who were there in the past, but for those who are there now and who will end up there in the future. They can try to discredit this posting all they want, but trust me, an argument of logic and facts is not something they want to get into with me, because I have no issues with blatantly pulling apart their lies so the truth can be seen.
I already have a feeling of the different types of methods they may try to use to silence these facts, and I anticipate them, trying to convince me will not work, plan and simple. Trying to discredit me will just get their arguments dismantled even if they try to use my mental illnesses as a method of discrediting me, I will tell you know, I have Bi-Polar and PTSD, neither of which effect my mental capacity, memory or logical ability thus that would be an invalid method of attempting to discredit me. They may try to issue a gag order, but the first amendment protects me from that as what I am speaking of is personal experience and things I saw, felt and heard myself, thus a gag order would be an illogical attempt, same with a cease and desist. They may attempt to push liability, but liability only applies when the things spoken are untrue and meant to run a reputation, the truth cannot fall under liability, besides, the purpose of this entry is not to ruin a reputation, but to make the public aware of very real problems with this group home, ones I wish to see fixed, and I wish for them to prove they have fixed them for the good of any other kids they take in. That’s just a few of the methods I would not put pass them to attempt, though there are others that are a real possibility.
None the less, all I want is for these issues to be fixed, when I spoke with the one who runs K-Bar-B last, she seemed to want to hear nothing of the issues the group home had, she wanted to hear no negative opinions or truths about the group home she handles, only praise. Sorry, but praise doesn’t get things fixed, acknowledging the issues and working to resolve them does.
Anyways, I’m not even going to go through spellchecking and grammar checking this post, it’s already 4 pages long in my word processor. I think I’ve spent enough time typing this thing. But damn, it feels good to finally vent this shit out.
I am an adult now, will be 23 soon, I was last in foster care in Louisiana, specifically K-Bar-B Youth Ranch, which is a group home, when I was 16 years of age. I have remained in silence, hoping they would change the place for the better, hoping they would realize that the way they allowed some staff to treat the children there was immoral and in some cases abusive. I am barred from even seeing the premises, because I did not finish their little program which is, in all truth, a demoralizing joke against the residents there.
K-Bar-B is located in Lacombe, LA, very near to Slidell. I shall begin by first pointing out their practices, then the state which their facilities were in when I was there, then the abusive actions of some staff at the facility alone with how a blind eye was turned. This is not being typed out to ruin a reputation, no, I lived through this, I escaped it, what you will be reading in this post are true accounts of what I personally witnessed while within this group home. They silenced and tried to disregard my words when I was a teenager, but now I will not be silenced. Since this post is speaking the truth of what I encountered, it is protected by the first amendment of the United States Constitution. Though considering their history of not caring about what the constitution said when I was in that group home, I don’t expect that fact to stop them from trying to sic their law dogs on me, but let them try, they didn’t break my will when I was there, they will not break it now.
First off, unsavory practices I witnessed. The first thing that sticks out in my mind is once went I was on the phone, someone who was on my approved contact list, approved by Louisiana State OCS for me to speak to, they asked me how things were at K-Bar-B, I spoke the truth, that it wasn’t as nice as they made it out to be during my visit the first time and that we got near no privacy and were treated as if we were all delinquents when some where there due to abuse, not our own doing. The staff, who always stood right there when we were on the phone, hung up the phone via pushing down the receiver, disconnecting the call. They didn’t want me to say what was really going on, they wanted me to act like everything was perfect there, in other words they expected me to lie, it is a prime example of them cutting off my voice while there.
There is also the instance when I went to one of the hearing dates when I was trying to return to my father’s, yes, my father was highly abusive but I would have rather fend him off then continue to live as if I had no voice against this ‘respected group home’ who more less tried to discredit me at every turn because they didn’t want the truth to be known by the masses. Anyways, one of the staff was in the hearing room and the moment I mentioned the mistreatment of K-Bar-B Youth Ranch, as well as their infringement on base human rights, their poor diet they fed the residents there, the staff who came along jumped right in to try and discredit me. Due to being in front of a judge she could not at the time threaten me with ‘restriction’ (which is basically being stuck in your room like you’re being held in solitary confinement and even requiring you to ask to go to the restroom, they issued this for the smallest of infractions to their rules.) so her hands were pretty tied in that aspect, any frowned upon actins she would have taken would have been seen by the judge so she tried to discredit me. After the hearing I got berated and put on restriction for speaking the truth they wanted no one to know.
That’s not even to mention how they kept using any funds they got to fix up their front offices while the cabins we were kept in remained poorly kept and decrepit. That does bring me to my next point, the state in which the facilities were in. The residents of K-Bar-B Youth Ranch were kept in rooms in these old cabins, many of which had severe plumbing issues, I remember a few times having to take a plunger to the sink in the kitchen as well as seeing a few other residents doing the same because they would back up so horridly, just thinking of it makes me fight off a gag. The water quality of the place was a nightmare, the water held a faint yellow tint and smelled of sulfur, yet as many times as this was brought up, it was ignored. I can understand the small bits of debris coming from the facets, as disgusting as it is, that is common down here but the sulfuric smell and taste of the water is inexcusable. They may have fixed it by know, I do not know, as I said I am not able to see their premises since I did not finish their little program. It is also worth mentioning that the windows there were not even glass, but Plexiglas, it was thin and had very low impact resistance, something with is very easy to break, both to get out and to get in. They had no locks on the windows, though not as if a lock mattered when one could literally punch through the window pane. They did have a security system in place, motion sensors on the windows, but in truth that was more to keep people from escaping their cabins than to protect the residents within.
There were many places within the cabins that leaked, many of the carpets within had stains from water leaking through, if I recall properly, which I believe I do, the roof of some of the cabins were even known to leak, their solution was not to fix it but to put a bin or something of the like under it to catch the water. The decent staff there (As they did have some decent people on staff, just not many) kept on telling the front office that these things needed to be fixed, the residents kept on telling the front office, but in the two and a half (about) years I was there, I never saw them fix anything. I saw them fix up their front office, which is where their public appearance front came into play, but never the actual cabins. Now they may have fixed these things since my time there, but this is the state this group home was in when I was there five years ago (in 2006) thus this is observations from then. That being said, however, I doubt much has changed, they didn’t seem too keen on fixing things then and, from when I last spoke to the people in the front office up there, well, their attitudes about it seem exactly the same now as they flat out don’t want the way they work to be criticized, even though I have a scar on my right wrist from one of their staff.
That does bring me to my next point, the abusive tendencies of some of their staff when I was there. I do recall one time that still sticks out in my mind and infuriates me to no end, one of their staff, during the evening when all the residents are beginning to settle down for rest, was upset because I was standing in my doorway trying to speak to her in a civil manner, as I did need to use the restroom and she was denying me the right to go to the restroom, that in and of itself is illegal as it is inhuman treatment of a minor. Well, she kept on yelling at me to get back in my room when, I was in my room the whole time, I was in the doorway of my room requesting to be able to take care of a biological necessity. Well because I knew what she was pulling was inhuman treatment, I moved to go to the bathroom anyways, I was not about to be treated like a dog by this staff, she then came at me, her stance and mannerisms threatening and grabbed both my wrists, yelling at me the whole time as she forced me back into the room and pinned me down against the bed. I will be honest, when she did this my self preservation instincts kicked in and I did aim to try to kick out her knee, in hindsight I wish I had managed to break her knee, but at the time self defense was the only think on my mind. While she was yelling at me, over me like I was some object or animal she was scolding, spitting in my face in the process, he nail dug into my right wrist, leaving a scar that is still there today. Now thus far I have avoided using exact names in this entry, but in this case I will state her first name, as she relinquished any rights to remain anonymous by scarring my wrist as she did on top of her blatant disrespect for the other residents there. Her name was Velma, I do not know her last name or I would post it as well.
When those in the front office who ran the group home were told about this, they did nothing, I got on a restriction because of what Velma pulled, so I got punished for a grown woman who should have known better’s actions. Because Velma went on a little power trip and the higher ups in the group home didn’t care about the mistreatment of the residents they were supposed to be protecting the well being of, legally, I took the backlash, that in and off itself is simply a deplorable way to run a group home. There were also many instances where I overheard staff saying that if another resident attacked a resident they didn’t like that they wouldn’t do anything to stop them, so much for a safe environment. I have also witnessed psychological abuse numerous times towards residents, when staff would begin to degrade them unprovoked or as an over-reaction to a simple statement. These staff are adults, they should know better and have the common sense to properly conduct themselves, yes, I understand everyone has bad days, but when it is constant, there’s something wrong. Once again, those who ran the group home turned a blind eye.
Now on to a few other, though less serious, infractions this group home committed unchecked. The food there, every time I ate I felt sick afterwards, it was very low grade, worse than what you would expect to find in a poor school’s cafeteria. That being said the cook for the group home did try, when she actually got decent food that was of a good quality, she tried to give us at least one nice meal once in a while, but she could only work with what K-Bar-B gave her and, more often than not, she only had low grade stuff to work with. Another is requiring religious activities. I am a Pagan, I was when I was within the group home as well, yet I was forced to attend the Christian services when volunteers from churches came to preach at the group home, and I was faced with punishment when I refused to go, that’s yet another infraction of the first amendment. Yes, it was great these religious volunteers came for the kids that were Christian, but there were others who were non-Christian who were forced to attend these things as well. There is separation of church and state for a reason, K-Bar-B breached that.
Now, there are a few misconceptions I wish to clear up, I will do so in this section. First off, I am not trying to call for this group home to be shut down, I want to see it improved to something that can actually take care of the kids in it’s care without the above issues, where kids who are victims of abuse can actually feel safe, be healthy and have a chance at life. Second, being in a group home does not mean a child is a delinquent, I ended up in foster care due to being severely abused by my father, two of the residents in K-Bar-B were there because they had no family, they were up for adoption through no fault of their own. One girl who was there had a very serious mental disorder by she was no trouble maker, in truth she was one of the kindest kids I saw go through that group home. Many are there not due to their actions like most thing, but due to circumstances beyond their control. I ended up in a mental hospital three times while in K-Bar-B, because the state of the group home and how I was treated there had me so depressed I began cutting myself, but after the first time I realized the mental ward treated me better than the group home, so the other two times I went there, I intentionally made them think I needed to be in the mental ward to escape K-Bar-B for a bit, in truth when I finally did break free from the group home, I used the mental ward as a way out, since K-Bar-B would not let me go, I had to manipulate the system, after being in the mental ward for a month K-Bar-B’s policies forced them to relinquish control of me, I used that to my advantage as a way out and it worked. The reason a lot of kids in that group home act out so much is because of how they are being treated, they might be teens but teens are very capable of knowing when their rights are being ignored, and when their voice is shut off by those controlling them, they have to find other ways to call the needed attention, and sadly their options are very limited.
I am not one to talk behind someone’s back, that’s simply not like me, so I will be sending a link to this entry to the K-Bar-B office, considering what they know of my I would not be surprised if they figured out who is behind these words, though their comments will be deleted if they use my real name on this blog’s comments section, I run the blog, and I dislike my name, if they wish to refer to me by my chosen name, fine, but my birth name is off limits. I have refrained from posting the full first and last names of those who run K-Bar-B and, with the exception of one first name, have avoided identifying the staff, even the first name I used is not highly identifying due to the lack of a last name with it. I am not writing this out of spite, but out of concern, I have stood silently for too long. I want to see this issues addressed, I want to see them fixed, I want proof they are fixed, not propaganda like K-Bar-B has been known to rely on in the past. The pictures seen on their website are nothing like what I saw when I was there, they are just a mask, to make it look like all is well. I want to see this fixed, they were one of very few group homes in the area, resources like group homes are needed, but they also need to be run properly.
I recall being told by staff not to mention the bad things to volunteers who came by the group home, that in and of itself shows they were trying to hide the negative and were a mask of positive public relations. Yea, if they know you’re coming, they’ll prepare it all to look just fine, it’s those candid moments, when they don’t see it coming that you see the truth. Them using the same social worker, who is supposed to be the voice of these kids, for all the kids there also is another good way of keeping control on the information, it may look simply convenient, but when that social worker seems to be rather good friends with those running K-Bar-B, it’s not too hard to see how fishy it is. This social worker may no longer be there, as I said, I do not know, but I have no choice but to assume he is until I see proof otherwise.
K-Bar-B’s website can be found with a Google search easy enough, so I will not disclose their contact information, full names of staff, any of that, if you found this blog and want to look deeper into it, I trust you can find their information. This place needs to be whipped into shape, not for the sake of a grudge, nor hostility, but for the sake of the children it takes in, I want to see them properly caring for them, not just shoving more medications down their throat to control them.
-----------------------------
Now, I said I went through all of this, and there is no lie that, there is nothing to gain by lying because, when one lies, sooner or later someone’s going to poke holes in their bubble, just like K-Bar-B’s public appearance and what this blog just did to that façade. I am soon to be 23 and the above has tormented my mind since leaving that place, it had to come out, this is merely an overview, were I to go into full detail of each and every occurrence, then this page would become a novel in and of itself. Those who have power in this aspect, please, see to this being fixed, I am disabled and ill, I only have so much strength to go full bore, but this needs to be seen to, it needs to be fixed and proven that it has been fixed once things are seen to. There should be no reason for a former resident of K-Bar-B to feel they need to make such tales of mistreatment public but due to the mistreatment, it did need to be said. Make sure this blog is the last time someone feels they need to point out such atrocities. I’m already out of the group home, what they do now has no sway on me or my life, but it has sway on the children who are still in their care and there shouldn’t be a single goddamned reason for another former resident to be so compelled to disclose this kind of information. It should not happen with the future generations who are there, there is no reason and no fucking excuse for these things not to be seen to, they’re taking in abused kids and degrading, mistreating and silencing them, breaking what little will these kids may still have. Enough is enough! I never want to hear that another child has been degraded by the staff there, I never, ever want to hear another child is scarred by the hands of their caregivers at K-Bar-B, I never want to hear of another who’s rights are stripped from them by this place, it needs to be fixed, and if I’m the only one with the balls to make this information public, then so be it.
This blog will not be taken down, any attempts by K-Bar-B to do so will be met with unyielding resistance, if needed I’ll even post it to multiple blog sites or a private server, this will not be silenced, not until it has been proven that this issue has been fixed. They tried to control my voice, deny the truth while I was there but they can do so no more. This is not a case of liability, I went through it, I saw it with my own eyes, heard it with my own ears, and I have every right in this country to speak the truth. I will not be silenced by K-Bar-B again, and any attempts at them doing so will also be made public. Ill or not, I will not yield, this needs to be fixed, not for me, not for residents who were there in the past, but for those who are there now and who will end up there in the future. They can try to discredit this posting all they want, but trust me, an argument of logic and facts is not something they want to get into with me, because I have no issues with blatantly pulling apart their lies so the truth can be seen.
I already have a feeling of the different types of methods they may try to use to silence these facts, and I anticipate them, trying to convince me will not work, plan and simple. Trying to discredit me will just get their arguments dismantled even if they try to use my mental illnesses as a method of discrediting me, I will tell you know, I have Bi-Polar and PTSD, neither of which effect my mental capacity, memory or logical ability thus that would be an invalid method of attempting to discredit me. They may try to issue a gag order, but the first amendment protects me from that as what I am speaking of is personal experience and things I saw, felt and heard myself, thus a gag order would be an illogical attempt, same with a cease and desist. They may attempt to push liability, but liability only applies when the things spoken are untrue and meant to run a reputation, the truth cannot fall under liability, besides, the purpose of this entry is not to ruin a reputation, but to make the public aware of very real problems with this group home, ones I wish to see fixed, and I wish for them to prove they have fixed them for the good of any other kids they take in. That’s just a few of the methods I would not put pass them to attempt, though there are others that are a real possibility.
None the less, all I want is for these issues to be fixed, when I spoke with the one who runs K-Bar-B last, she seemed to want to hear nothing of the issues the group home had, she wanted to hear no negative opinions or truths about the group home she handles, only praise. Sorry, but praise doesn’t get things fixed, acknowledging the issues and working to resolve them does.
Anyways, I’m not even going to go through spellchecking and grammar checking this post, it’s already 4 pages long in my word processor. I think I’ve spent enough time typing this thing. But damn, it feels good to finally vent this shit out.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Can I drool now or wait til later?
OK, soooooo, as the background of this blog tells ya in no uncertain terms, I dabble in a bit of 3D work, ok, that's an understatement, I'm addicted to it. Anyways, I have been looking for motion capture solutions for a while now because, let's face it, I know a bit of programming but I am in no way good enough to create a program that can do video, markerless capture. Weeeell, the guys at iPi soft are, and a new product they just came out with made my jaw drop.
It is a capture from video, markerless, more less equipmentless motion capture system which uses only a multiple camera setup (And I don't mean pro cameras, they're shown using the playstation eye camera for goodness sake!), space to record, and a decent computer with their software. I woke up today to see this in my inbox due to Daz's new product announcements (They're selling through Daz, nice idea there, or least it would be if it was a little more affordable, but no doubt they'll still get sales). The cost is around 500-ish, and that's with the 30% off opening sale, needless to say still out of my price range sadly.
None the less, this is a product I will be watching, have a feeling it'll prolly end up a member's choice item next year, man I hope that's the case, I REEEEEEALLY hope that's the case, it'd be worth waiting a year to get it at a price I could actually afford (hell, if the basic version was 150-200 I would find a way to budget it in within the coming months). Looking on the site, they do have some vids showing it's use, it actually seems like a pretty easy to use setup if your system can handle it, more less a match T-pose, Match start pose, go forth and animate. Pretty straight forward and the animations it seems to produce are pretty nice quality from what I see on the vids, but don't just take my word for it, check it out yourself! On their official site or on Daz's product page for it.
I seriously wanna get this, sadly I have to wait for a good sale, food and household needs come before wants you know, til I can either save up that much (not holding my breath there) or catch a hell of a sale, I guess I'm just going to be stalking that product until I can find a way to afford it without going without food for a month. After all, I've already been looking for something like this for three years bout, waiting a bit longer won't hurt I suppose.
It is a capture from video, markerless, more less equipmentless motion capture system which uses only a multiple camera setup (And I don't mean pro cameras, they're shown using the playstation eye camera for goodness sake!), space to record, and a decent computer with their software. I woke up today to see this in my inbox due to Daz's new product announcements (They're selling through Daz, nice idea there, or least it would be if it was a little more affordable, but no doubt they'll still get sales). The cost is around 500-ish, and that's with the 30% off opening sale, needless to say still out of my price range sadly.
None the less, this is a product I will be watching, have a feeling it'll prolly end up a member's choice item next year, man I hope that's the case, I REEEEEEALLY hope that's the case, it'd be worth waiting a year to get it at a price I could actually afford (hell, if the basic version was 150-200 I would find a way to budget it in within the coming months). Looking on the site, they do have some vids showing it's use, it actually seems like a pretty easy to use setup if your system can handle it, more less a match T-pose, Match start pose, go forth and animate. Pretty straight forward and the animations it seems to produce are pretty nice quality from what I see on the vids, but don't just take my word for it, check it out yourself! On their official site or on Daz's product page for it.
I seriously wanna get this, sadly I have to wait for a good sale, food and household needs come before wants you know, til I can either save up that much (not holding my breath there) or catch a hell of a sale, I guess I'm just going to be stalking that product until I can find a way to afford it without going without food for a month. After all, I've already been looking for something like this for three years bout, waiting a bit longer won't hurt I suppose.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Now I know how icing feels...
Some who read this blog know me, others don't, but eh, such happens on the net. Anyways, those who do know me know I tend to spread myself too thin, but I tend to rarely go into detail as to exactly why or how, this post may hold little interest for most random people who stumble onto my stuff so I apologize in advanced there, this one is more or less to update my friends on why the hell I'm nearing mental breakdown levels right now.
So here's the list:
I also take part in other sites as well, something I tend to enjoy, until something sours it for me. I'll not say the names of the other forums I RP in because I don't run those, but those from said forums know which one's I'm in, I'll not point out specific things that have soured the experience for me as I don't want to offend those I see as friends, but some know those points. By the way, don't ask me what, not until I'm in a stable state of mind, I don't want my response to seem aggressive which it tends to be when I'm overly stressed.
That being said, I also have some people I help online, these names will not be released because of the fact I respect them enough not to, but I do have people come to me for advice and just someone to listen online, I don't exactly mind that but it does add a good bit to my strain, mostly due to the fact that these people are friends who I have emotional investment in helping, which it can just slam me hard when I'm not able to help them. My friends are my family, I wanna do what I can to help them but sometimes it just doesn't work out.
Creative endeavors:
I tend to start a lot of projects, curse of being an artist, problem is that only 50% of the projects I start get completed and my normal response is "I'll get to those someday." . . .thing is, I really do intend to get to them someday but my mind doesn't stop popping out with new ideas which push back older projects even farther until I'm more or less forced to abandon them. I like my art, I like my projects, there just aren't enough damned hours in the goddamn day! I intend to finish ever project I start, then end up forced to abandon 50% of them cause I take a small break and during said break end up with a newer, better concept, yet if I work on something non-stop I can finish it in a month. So I kinda have that little fact stalking behind me all the time.
Let's not even get started on my novel, I'm still chipping away at it, but it is taking me quite a while to get anyplace with it, that's a project I can't abandon, 3 years in the works for concept, plot and writing, yea, that's too much time invested to stop that project. I enjoy my creative projects for the most part, problem is when those projects include not only art but 3D animation, music creation, 2D art, video editing, writing and odd conceptual styles on top of that, well, like I said about, there aren't enough hours in the day.
Day to Day Life!:
As if the above isn't enough, here's the long list. First off, my health is less than predictable, I can be fine one day and need help getting out of bed the next, can be standing, talking to someone and my vision blacks out before I drop like a sack of fricking bricks (Unexplained vertigo and loss of consciousness, doctors have no clue what's causing it), I walk with a near permanent limp due to a messed up knee and other joint damage. The chronic migraines are a killer and, get this, my body has grown resistant to over the counter pain meds, they take the edge off but the pain is still there! Not to mention my arthritis (Yea, I'm 22, bout to be 23, but I have moderate arthritis due to a history of joint injuries) acts up each and every time the weather so much as hiccups, hell, my left wrist is hurting like a bitch right now due to a recent front that went through here! Then there's the back pain that gets so bad sometimes it makes me not want to move. Add that with extreme Hypoglycemia, Crohn's Disease (genetic illness, has been in my family for generations), extreme bi-polar disorder (I have this partly under control without meds, since meds worsened my health) and PTSD and, yea, I should be bedridden half the time, but I'm not.
Even with the health issues listed above, it seems mother nature didn't think that was enough on my plate. I am also the one who keeps some sense of order in the home I reside in. My roommate, sweet as he can be sometimes, can also be a major pain in the ass at times too. I have to watch out for him to keep him safe, try to teach him what his no-good care takers (His adoptive brother and sister who took him in after his adoptive mother, who had been a GOOD mom, passed away) neglected to teach him, try to repair the damage they did by putting him down and degrading him every turn (Emotional and psychological abuse, but oh they think they're of so perfect.) I have even witnessed they insult him flat out on the phone when he is an adult! They manipulated him into giving them control of his money when he made a single mistake, even though mistakes are part of human nature, thus taking control of all his inheritance that his adoptive mother had given him and, when I met this boy, he was drinking his life away, renting out a room in a small home with another roommate who didn't care for him to begin with, and guess who it was that shoved him in that situation?
His adoptive sister and brother, yet in their eyes they did no wrong. And let someone point on their flaws or even swear towards them, they're stereotypical hypocrites, and yes, I have called them out on it. They judged me before they even knew me, even though I managed to pull my roommate, who at the time was my boyfriend, out of his self destructive habits, he use to get into drugs, drinking and partying all the time, now he's clean, he does not touch drugs any longer and he might have, maybe a beer a month, his health has also improved greatly, he's no longer skin and bones, he's no longer living to die, he's actually a person now instead of a damned shell, and I am still working on trying to repair all the damage, our relationship hadn't worked out the first go round, but the boy still needed help, thus even after we broke up I stayed as his roommate to continue helping him. He's 24 years old, and is just now 'getting it', but he still shows signs of returning to his old ways from time to time until I snap him out of it and, guess what, he only seems to show signs of returning to old ways when he has to deal with his adoptive siblings more frequently than normal. I don't know about you, but I think that's a pretty big red flag pointing right at them being the cause right there.
Basically I'm playing caretaker to a grown man because of a couple of self righteous idiots, but I can't turn away from him because he is trying, if he wasn't trying then he never would have improved, besides, his low self esteem, low sense of self worth and thinking, and I quote, that he is a "fuckup" in everything he does, is not his fault, it is their's, I'm better than them, and unlike them I will not turn my back on someone who needs the help. That takes a lot out of me because I'm playing therapist to him a lot, along side the roles of caretaker, protector and friend.
Due to the above I am also the one most of the responsibility of the home falls on, I have to handle all the bills, budget out everything, be sure we have enough for food even though our income isn't that huge, in truth we're below poverty levels even with both of our incomes combined. Have to keep maintenance up on everything in the house so we don't have to replace appliances because, goodness knows our budget can't take that blow. Even though I'm ill and often hurting, I still have to do these things, as well as see to it that my roommate is up and ready in time for work, which he's like a kid when you try to wake him up, you know the 'five more minutes' line, I happen to hear it a lot from this guy. Have to make sure his work uniform is able to be found and not trying to crawl away of it's own power (AKA, remind him to wash it all the time). I also have to keep up with the services of the home, be it electric, internet, phone, to make sure we have enough to handle it, we have no cable service, it was net or cable, net won since it has more uses. Then there's caring for him if he falls ill, which he so overplays when he falls sick. I also have to do the home repairs when needed, but thankfully the normal maintenance avoids most larger repairs, making them less frequent. I also have to see to the health of the furred and feathered family members, but they are worth the care in and of themselves, well, at least the birds are, that cat, eh, I could do without the cat, he's my roommate's cat but I still have to make sure it's alright.
And I do all this when hurting, dealing with my own mental instability, even when my health hits rock bottom. What do I hear when I mention I'm not feeling well? "You hide it so well I can't tell when you're not feeling good!" ummm, yea, try having to handle what I do while perpetually ill, it's not so much hiding it as you're so use to it that it's just part of being alive for you. Yea, maybe I should slow down, ease off, rest more, but then what the hell would I get done? Someone has to do these things, they won't do themselves! And I try to do all this shit and still have time for things I enjoy, this is why I'm almost always multitasking. Thankfully my roommate has become a little more understanding with time that I can only do so much and he tries to help, he just doesn't always know how to. I'm thankful when he just, brings me something to eat while I'm at the computer, it doesn't sound like much, but it means less limping about and less pain in the joints from moving, a small break but, every small break helps in my case.
In Conclusion:
So then, for those who ask what's wrong, or why I an stressed/feel like shit/nearing a mental breakdown, there you go, there's you answer right there, it's never just one thing, it's always a build up, a build up that sometimes has me nearing a mental breakdown. I normally just say it comes with the territory of my life, well, there's the territory, may have missed a few parts but that's the overview. I still can't quit, gotta just keep pushing through, part of survival with me. So those who asked why, now you know.
So here's the list:
Online:
This blog is very small strain on me, I write in it when I feel like it, however I do have the slightly more straining roll as the founder and main admin of an RP site, Devil's Bloodline, figuring out all the ins and outs of it, making sure activity keeps going, running the plots, those are strains I do not mind, I enjoy doing these things, they are a nice and less stressful break from my more serious stresses, same with posting on some other sites though those come as secondary to DB, as, well, I kinda have a hell of a lot more investment in DB than any other site, being the founder kinda holds that responsibility, a responsibility I do not mind because the people who RP on the site are great, Katt, Jetta, Kai, Michi, Wolfun, Arctic, Nyoko, a possible new player we may be getting seems pretty cool and my bro is gonna be joining up too, everyone there's is a good RPer who knows how to have fun, I love the site because of that, they are the main example of why I enjoy running the site.I also take part in other sites as well, something I tend to enjoy, until something sours it for me. I'll not say the names of the other forums I RP in because I don't run those, but those from said forums know which one's I'm in, I'll not point out specific things that have soured the experience for me as I don't want to offend those I see as friends, but some know those points. By the way, don't ask me what, not until I'm in a stable state of mind, I don't want my response to seem aggressive which it tends to be when I'm overly stressed.
That being said, I also have some people I help online, these names will not be released because of the fact I respect them enough not to, but I do have people come to me for advice and just someone to listen online, I don't exactly mind that but it does add a good bit to my strain, mostly due to the fact that these people are friends who I have emotional investment in helping, which it can just slam me hard when I'm not able to help them. My friends are my family, I wanna do what I can to help them but sometimes it just doesn't work out.
Creative endeavors:
I tend to start a lot of projects, curse of being an artist, problem is that only 50% of the projects I start get completed and my normal response is "I'll get to those someday." . . .thing is, I really do intend to get to them someday but my mind doesn't stop popping out with new ideas which push back older projects even farther until I'm more or less forced to abandon them. I like my art, I like my projects, there just aren't enough damned hours in the goddamn day! I intend to finish ever project I start, then end up forced to abandon 50% of them cause I take a small break and during said break end up with a newer, better concept, yet if I work on something non-stop I can finish it in a month. So I kinda have that little fact stalking behind me all the time.
Let's not even get started on my novel, I'm still chipping away at it, but it is taking me quite a while to get anyplace with it, that's a project I can't abandon, 3 years in the works for concept, plot and writing, yea, that's too much time invested to stop that project. I enjoy my creative projects for the most part, problem is when those projects include not only art but 3D animation, music creation, 2D art, video editing, writing and odd conceptual styles on top of that, well, like I said about, there aren't enough hours in the day.
Day to Day Life!:
As if the above isn't enough, here's the long list. First off, my health is less than predictable, I can be fine one day and need help getting out of bed the next, can be standing, talking to someone and my vision blacks out before I drop like a sack of fricking bricks (Unexplained vertigo and loss of consciousness, doctors have no clue what's causing it), I walk with a near permanent limp due to a messed up knee and other joint damage. The chronic migraines are a killer and, get this, my body has grown resistant to over the counter pain meds, they take the edge off but the pain is still there! Not to mention my arthritis (Yea, I'm 22, bout to be 23, but I have moderate arthritis due to a history of joint injuries) acts up each and every time the weather so much as hiccups, hell, my left wrist is hurting like a bitch right now due to a recent front that went through here! Then there's the back pain that gets so bad sometimes it makes me not want to move. Add that with extreme Hypoglycemia, Crohn's Disease (genetic illness, has been in my family for generations), extreme bi-polar disorder (I have this partly under control without meds, since meds worsened my health) and PTSD and, yea, I should be bedridden half the time, but I'm not.
Even with the health issues listed above, it seems mother nature didn't think that was enough on my plate. I am also the one who keeps some sense of order in the home I reside in. My roommate, sweet as he can be sometimes, can also be a major pain in the ass at times too. I have to watch out for him to keep him safe, try to teach him what his no-good care takers (His adoptive brother and sister who took him in after his adoptive mother, who had been a GOOD mom, passed away) neglected to teach him, try to repair the damage they did by putting him down and degrading him every turn (Emotional and psychological abuse, but oh they think they're of so perfect.) I have even witnessed they insult him flat out on the phone when he is an adult! They manipulated him into giving them control of his money when he made a single mistake, even though mistakes are part of human nature, thus taking control of all his inheritance that his adoptive mother had given him and, when I met this boy, he was drinking his life away, renting out a room in a small home with another roommate who didn't care for him to begin with, and guess who it was that shoved him in that situation?
His adoptive sister and brother, yet in their eyes they did no wrong. And let someone point on their flaws or even swear towards them, they're stereotypical hypocrites, and yes, I have called them out on it. They judged me before they even knew me, even though I managed to pull my roommate, who at the time was my boyfriend, out of his self destructive habits, he use to get into drugs, drinking and partying all the time, now he's clean, he does not touch drugs any longer and he might have, maybe a beer a month, his health has also improved greatly, he's no longer skin and bones, he's no longer living to die, he's actually a person now instead of a damned shell, and I am still working on trying to repair all the damage, our relationship hadn't worked out the first go round, but the boy still needed help, thus even after we broke up I stayed as his roommate to continue helping him. He's 24 years old, and is just now 'getting it', but he still shows signs of returning to his old ways from time to time until I snap him out of it and, guess what, he only seems to show signs of returning to old ways when he has to deal with his adoptive siblings more frequently than normal. I don't know about you, but I think that's a pretty big red flag pointing right at them being the cause right there.
Basically I'm playing caretaker to a grown man because of a couple of self righteous idiots, but I can't turn away from him because he is trying, if he wasn't trying then he never would have improved, besides, his low self esteem, low sense of self worth and thinking, and I quote, that he is a "fuckup" in everything he does, is not his fault, it is their's, I'm better than them, and unlike them I will not turn my back on someone who needs the help. That takes a lot out of me because I'm playing therapist to him a lot, along side the roles of caretaker, protector and friend.
Due to the above I am also the one most of the responsibility of the home falls on, I have to handle all the bills, budget out everything, be sure we have enough for food even though our income isn't that huge, in truth we're below poverty levels even with both of our incomes combined. Have to keep maintenance up on everything in the house so we don't have to replace appliances because, goodness knows our budget can't take that blow. Even though I'm ill and often hurting, I still have to do these things, as well as see to it that my roommate is up and ready in time for work, which he's like a kid when you try to wake him up, you know the 'five more minutes' line, I happen to hear it a lot from this guy. Have to make sure his work uniform is able to be found and not trying to crawl away of it's own power (AKA, remind him to wash it all the time). I also have to keep up with the services of the home, be it electric, internet, phone, to make sure we have enough to handle it, we have no cable service, it was net or cable, net won since it has more uses. Then there's caring for him if he falls ill, which he so overplays when he falls sick. I also have to do the home repairs when needed, but thankfully the normal maintenance avoids most larger repairs, making them less frequent. I also have to see to the health of the furred and feathered family members, but they are worth the care in and of themselves, well, at least the birds are, that cat, eh, I could do without the cat, he's my roommate's cat but I still have to make sure it's alright.
And I do all this when hurting, dealing with my own mental instability, even when my health hits rock bottom. What do I hear when I mention I'm not feeling well? "You hide it so well I can't tell when you're not feeling good!" ummm, yea, try having to handle what I do while perpetually ill, it's not so much hiding it as you're so use to it that it's just part of being alive for you. Yea, maybe I should slow down, ease off, rest more, but then what the hell would I get done? Someone has to do these things, they won't do themselves! And I try to do all this shit and still have time for things I enjoy, this is why I'm almost always multitasking. Thankfully my roommate has become a little more understanding with time that I can only do so much and he tries to help, he just doesn't always know how to. I'm thankful when he just, brings me something to eat while I'm at the computer, it doesn't sound like much, but it means less limping about and less pain in the joints from moving, a small break but, every small break helps in my case.
In Conclusion:
So then, for those who ask what's wrong, or why I an stressed/feel like shit/nearing a mental breakdown, there you go, there's you answer right there, it's never just one thing, it's always a build up, a build up that sometimes has me nearing a mental breakdown. I normally just say it comes with the territory of my life, well, there's the territory, may have missed a few parts but that's the overview. I still can't quit, gotta just keep pushing through, part of survival with me. So those who asked why, now you know.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Thousands of birds dropping out the skies. . .
So, if you’ve been watching or reading the news, you may have heard about the birds just dropping out of the sky, thousands of red winged black birds in Arkansas on New Year’s Eve, then about 500 in Louisiana, both red wing black birds and starlings. Officially they don’t know the cause yet, though they are suspecting fireworks. . . .hold it right there!
First off, while birds do migrate around this time of year and tend to cause large roosts, and blackbirds have poor eye sight, allow me to inject a little common fucking sense here. Birds aren’t stupid, humans can think they are dumb animals all they want, but they aren’t dumb enough to bang into each other to the point of hemorrhaging due to New Year’s fireworks, birds are very agile and intelligent creatures, I know, I share my home with two parrots. Also, Blackbirds are very intelligent for a wild bird species, just a little under the mental ability of the ravens and crows which are smart little feather balls, they travel in huge flocks and they know how to travel like this, they know how to avoid their flock members mid flight, even if in the dark by sound and feeling when their wings brush each other, these birds would not collide like that, yes, they may bounce off each other but realize, birds can survive impact with birds of their own size in most instances, if the causes of death were mid air collisions the number would not be in the thousands.
Now, it was also mentioned that blood clots were found in the dead birds without injury to their internal organs, that sounds like disease or them getting hold of contaminated water or food and it causing that. I’m hoping it’s not disease but, sadly, for this many to die that seems be the most likely cause. It is also worth noting a good many fish were found dead around the same area in Arkansas, so the contaminated water possibility is not ruled out at all. Right now those seem to be the two most likely situations. Though it’s worrying because if it is disease, and I sure as hell hope it’s not, then my baby birds could be at risk, though it is still odd for them to all drop like that in such a short span of time unless we‘re talking about a fast spreading and fast acting illness, and that‘s just a terrifying thought.
Some dead birds have also been found in Texas, though the numbers are not as great. What bugs me is that the first thing they thought was fireworks, if it was fireworks then this would happen yearly, because migration is always at the same time, so it’d happen every New Years, but it doesn’t, it hasn’t happened during New Years at all that I’ve seen documented, I ran a few searches to make sure and came up with nothing but this year’s occurrence. Also, if it was fireworks then the bird in Louisiana wouldn’t have been found dead three days later, on a highway, I think people would have noticed them if they were sitting there for three days! The ones found in Louisiana were long enough pass the timeframe of massive fireworks being set off to rule that ‘cause’ out, yes, injuries can prolong the time it takes for a bird to die but they would not drop out the sky all at once if that was the case.
Other theories have mentioned the possibility of odd weather patterns, birds are wild creatures, while sensitive to the weather, it doesn’t match up. The weather conditions in Louisiana when the birds died were not the same as when they died in Arkansas, and the weather wouldn’t have cause them to all drop dead at once, not unless there was a major upset in the earth’s magnetic field which is what these birds use to navigate, weather alone, while it can cause an upset, it cannot upset the magnetic field that much.
Some theories get really wild, needless to say the doomsayers are calling it a sign of the end of the world, while, yes, it is an odd as hell occurrence it doesn’t exactly scream Armageddon to me, if science cannot find a reason then maybe I’ll consider some of the more out there possibilities. Then there’s people saying they collided with an invisible UFO, hey, I do believe in aliens, after all this universe is too big for us to be alone, but cmon, if a big ass invisible UFO was floating up there it would have caused more disturbance than just birds hitting it on New Years, when fireworks are kinda being shot up into the air.
Anyways, it seems the three most probable things are disease, contaminated food/water, or a shift in the Earth’s magnetic field, though the last possibility would be hard for them to think up if they’re so fast to assume fireworks. They’re doing some tests, I’m hoping they find out what’s causing the blood clots in them, and damn I hope it’s not a disease, I’m already worried as hell about my youngest bird’s health due to her allergies.
Additional research: I'm actually beginning to suspect magnetic disturbance though that doesn't explain the blood clots found in the birds. Here in the south strong storms have been a good bit more frequent here, I mean, we normally get pounded by thunderstorms but this has been getting ridiculous. The tornado outbreaks in Illinois, Oklahoma, Missouri, Mississippi and Arkansas on New Year's Eve is also noteworthy. As is seismic activity in this region, most are unaware of it but the South does get earthquakes, the people here just normally don't feel them due to how moist the ground here is, it kinda acts like a shock absorber. However, seismic activity is normally one of the side effects of a fluctuating magnetic field, on Aug. 2nd, 2010 a 3.0 earthquake was measured near Hatchersville and Gilead, that's strong for this region, a 1.9 earthquake was measured in Arkansas on Jan, 4th, 2011 near Conway, which is less than 40 miles from Bebee, where the birds fell dead on New Year's Eve, Oklahoma also had a 2.9 earthquake on Jan. 4th, 2011 right near Oklahoma City, within 2 hours of the quake in Arkansas, that's kinda odd. There was also a 2.3 quake in Missouri on Dec. 25th, 2010, right near Cairo. This is making me highly suspect the earth's magnetic field had something to do with the death of these birds.
First off, while birds do migrate around this time of year and tend to cause large roosts, and blackbirds have poor eye sight, allow me to inject a little common fucking sense here. Birds aren’t stupid, humans can think they are dumb animals all they want, but they aren’t dumb enough to bang into each other to the point of hemorrhaging due to New Year’s fireworks, birds are very agile and intelligent creatures, I know, I share my home with two parrots. Also, Blackbirds are very intelligent for a wild bird species, just a little under the mental ability of the ravens and crows which are smart little feather balls, they travel in huge flocks and they know how to travel like this, they know how to avoid their flock members mid flight, even if in the dark by sound and feeling when their wings brush each other, these birds would not collide like that, yes, they may bounce off each other but realize, birds can survive impact with birds of their own size in most instances, if the causes of death were mid air collisions the number would not be in the thousands.
Now, it was also mentioned that blood clots were found in the dead birds without injury to their internal organs, that sounds like disease or them getting hold of contaminated water or food and it causing that. I’m hoping it’s not disease but, sadly, for this many to die that seems be the most likely cause. It is also worth noting a good many fish were found dead around the same area in Arkansas, so the contaminated water possibility is not ruled out at all. Right now those seem to be the two most likely situations. Though it’s worrying because if it is disease, and I sure as hell hope it’s not, then my baby birds could be at risk, though it is still odd for them to all drop like that in such a short span of time unless we‘re talking about a fast spreading and fast acting illness, and that‘s just a terrifying thought.
Some dead birds have also been found in Texas, though the numbers are not as great. What bugs me is that the first thing they thought was fireworks, if it was fireworks then this would happen yearly, because migration is always at the same time, so it’d happen every New Years, but it doesn’t, it hasn’t happened during New Years at all that I’ve seen documented, I ran a few searches to make sure and came up with nothing but this year’s occurrence. Also, if it was fireworks then the bird in Louisiana wouldn’t have been found dead three days later, on a highway, I think people would have noticed them if they were sitting there for three days! The ones found in Louisiana were long enough pass the timeframe of massive fireworks being set off to rule that ‘cause’ out, yes, injuries can prolong the time it takes for a bird to die but they would not drop out the sky all at once if that was the case.
Other theories have mentioned the possibility of odd weather patterns, birds are wild creatures, while sensitive to the weather, it doesn’t match up. The weather conditions in Louisiana when the birds died were not the same as when they died in Arkansas, and the weather wouldn’t have cause them to all drop dead at once, not unless there was a major upset in the earth’s magnetic field which is what these birds use to navigate, weather alone, while it can cause an upset, it cannot upset the magnetic field that much.
Some theories get really wild, needless to say the doomsayers are calling it a sign of the end of the world, while, yes, it is an odd as hell occurrence it doesn’t exactly scream Armageddon to me, if science cannot find a reason then maybe I’ll consider some of the more out there possibilities. Then there’s people saying they collided with an invisible UFO, hey, I do believe in aliens, after all this universe is too big for us to be alone, but cmon, if a big ass invisible UFO was floating up there it would have caused more disturbance than just birds hitting it on New Years, when fireworks are kinda being shot up into the air.
Anyways, it seems the three most probable things are disease, contaminated food/water, or a shift in the Earth’s magnetic field, though the last possibility would be hard for them to think up if they’re so fast to assume fireworks. They’re doing some tests, I’m hoping they find out what’s causing the blood clots in them, and damn I hope it’s not a disease, I’m already worried as hell about my youngest bird’s health due to her allergies.
Additional research: I'm actually beginning to suspect magnetic disturbance though that doesn't explain the blood clots found in the birds. Here in the south strong storms have been a good bit more frequent here, I mean, we normally get pounded by thunderstorms but this has been getting ridiculous. The tornado outbreaks in Illinois, Oklahoma, Missouri, Mississippi and Arkansas on New Year's Eve is also noteworthy. As is seismic activity in this region, most are unaware of it but the South does get earthquakes, the people here just normally don't feel them due to how moist the ground here is, it kinda acts like a shock absorber. However, seismic activity is normally one of the side effects of a fluctuating magnetic field, on Aug. 2nd, 2010 a 3.0 earthquake was measured near Hatchersville and Gilead, that's strong for this region, a 1.9 earthquake was measured in Arkansas on Jan, 4th, 2011 near Conway, which is less than 40 miles from Bebee, where the birds fell dead on New Year's Eve, Oklahoma also had a 2.9 earthquake on Jan. 4th, 2011 right near Oklahoma City, within 2 hours of the quake in Arkansas, that's kinda odd. There was also a 2.3 quake in Missouri on Dec. 25th, 2010, right near Cairo. This is making me highly suspect the earth's magnetic field had something to do with the death of these birds.
A short showing of art
I do a good bit of 3D art, mostly character design concepts, I haven't shared much of my art here soooooo, gonna do it today. Do note, I hold copyright to these images, if the text tags are annoying I apologize but I think anyone who's been on the internet more than a week knows how prone people are to pulling images and calling them their own without so much as having the common decency to ask the artist, just giving the plagiarists the one finger salute here is all. That being said, I do plan to make a few later posts with images under public domain licensing, but this is not one of them.
Devon:
Jessica, old lighting methods used:
Jessica and Victoria, old lighting methods used:
Devon:
Jessica, old lighting methods used:
Jessica and Victoria, old lighting methods used:
Sunday, January 2, 2011
My eyes are open, are your's?
Have you ever gone for a walk and realized so many of the people you see are indistinguishable from each other? No matter how tall or short, young or old, if one of them walked up to you the next day and said “Didn’t I see you walking down the street yesterday?” you likely wouldn’t even be able to recall them, have you noticed? Our minds have been so trained into seeing people as just other bodies, not taking their personalities, lives, emotions, thoughts into account even though so many of us get so wrapped up in movies. Have you noticed that?
Now think to that last random person you actually remember. Were they dressed differently? Were they odd, unattractive, stood out in a way that was somehow displeasing? Now, can you recall the last random person you remember due to them being admirable, different in a good way, beautiful? Majority would remember the unattractive/odd person, yet not the one who they found interesting/beautiful, are we really so trained to only notice those who are displeasing?
There’s a point to the above, the truth of the matter is that we, as human beings, are so use to looking for flaws, we actively seek out the flaws in others, you can deny it all you want but some where’s in the back of your mind that truth is there. However, what makes the difference between a decent person and a self righteous one is how they react. Do you react with disgust? Degrade the person in your mind? Think to yourself that you’re better then that person you find unappealing for whatever reason? Are you saying no to each of those questions though you know that you honestly do tend to do those things, knowing no one will ever know those unsavory thoughts in the back of your mind? Now, what if I was to tell you that the person you found so degrading, likely didn’t even notice you? Or worse yet, saw you and thought the exact same about you.
Welcome to what I observe in people every single day. However, there’s something I do realize that, from what I have observed, many others overlook and that is the fact that every single person I come across, no matter how attractive, unattractive, different or bold they are has their own story, their own thoughts, their own personality. Allow me to get down to the blunt fact. Most people see other human beings as nothing more than shells, bodies who, unless they are related to them, they honestly don’t give a damned about.
Open the newspaper, flip to the first article about a violent crime, think about that victim. To you they are likely no one, you could read the article, say you hope they’re alright, and not think about it again for the rest of your life. Now, what if that victim was your spouse, your friend, your parent, your child, would you be able to brush it off that easily? Well that victim was someone’s child, someone‘s friend, someone’s spouse maybe, or maybe even someone’s parent, yet you honestly do not care do you? We, as a people, have become so numb that the only time we care about anything is when it effects us or someone we’re close to, now here’s the hurtful truth about that: It’s proof of being self centered.
Now, before you whip out the torches and pitch forks on me, allow me to say, and openly admit, that I am not much better myself in that aspect, no one is. There is not a single person on this earth who is not at least slightly self centered. The problem there however, is that many refuse to acknowledge the fact. Now, I’m not saying that you should be worried about each and every person’s emotional state, while it would be nice to be able to do such, the human mind would not be able to withstand being subjected to that much worry without being rendered clinically insane, what I am saying, however, is maybe it would do some good to open our eyes a bit to the people around us. Instead of looking for something to judge someone harshly on, look for something about that person you find displeasing that is admirable. Maybe that punk girl with the bright pink hair is not a freak, but someone who has the guts to be herself in a judgmental world, that old man who gets in your way because he’s walking so slow, even though he’s aging and his mobility is impaired he’s still trying to be independent instead of asking someone else to go out and get something for him. How about that cashier who seems to be having a bad day? He or she may be showing more restraint than even you have to still do her job regardless of the fact one of their parents is in the hospital, you just don’t know, do you? You glance over people and, they’re just people, do you ever stop to think that just maybe, there’s more to them then you see on the surface? Or do you think the only person who’s story matters is your’s?
I watch people, how they act and react, I can’t help it, I tend to study them, I find their interactions fascinating and I’ve noticed these things. I’ve noticed some of the things I mentioned above in myself as well, but I think there is one huge difference between me and a good number of these people I observe, that difference being, I see my flaws, I acknowledge them, I work to fix them to at least some degree. A good many others seem blinded to their own actions. They either willingly ignore these flaws in themselves, try to explain them away or flat out deny them. But what happens when you acknowledge them as a part of yourself? You can try to deny it all you want but that does not change the fact these traits are present in every person on this earth, some times to a greater extent, sometimes to a lesser one, but they are still there. If you want to truly see this world, you need to see yourself and accept your flaws are as much a part of you as your strengths.
Also, for those who read this and had it crop up in their head that I’m crazy or don’t know what I’m talking about, or any of those other little rationalizations you may be coming up with, as well as to those who have been hanging on to any mistake I made in typing this just to give you something to judge on when I deliberately went without spellchecking or proofreading this entry before posting it for that very reason. . .well, guess what. . .
Now think to that last random person you actually remember. Were they dressed differently? Were they odd, unattractive, stood out in a way that was somehow displeasing? Now, can you recall the last random person you remember due to them being admirable, different in a good way, beautiful? Majority would remember the unattractive/odd person, yet not the one who they found interesting/beautiful, are we really so trained to only notice those who are displeasing?
There’s a point to the above, the truth of the matter is that we, as human beings, are so use to looking for flaws, we actively seek out the flaws in others, you can deny it all you want but some where’s in the back of your mind that truth is there. However, what makes the difference between a decent person and a self righteous one is how they react. Do you react with disgust? Degrade the person in your mind? Think to yourself that you’re better then that person you find unappealing for whatever reason? Are you saying no to each of those questions though you know that you honestly do tend to do those things, knowing no one will ever know those unsavory thoughts in the back of your mind? Now, what if I was to tell you that the person you found so degrading, likely didn’t even notice you? Or worse yet, saw you and thought the exact same about you.
Welcome to what I observe in people every single day. However, there’s something I do realize that, from what I have observed, many others overlook and that is the fact that every single person I come across, no matter how attractive, unattractive, different or bold they are has their own story, their own thoughts, their own personality. Allow me to get down to the blunt fact. Most people see other human beings as nothing more than shells, bodies who, unless they are related to them, they honestly don’t give a damned about.
Open the newspaper, flip to the first article about a violent crime, think about that victim. To you they are likely no one, you could read the article, say you hope they’re alright, and not think about it again for the rest of your life. Now, what if that victim was your spouse, your friend, your parent, your child, would you be able to brush it off that easily? Well that victim was someone’s child, someone‘s friend, someone’s spouse maybe, or maybe even someone’s parent, yet you honestly do not care do you? We, as a people, have become so numb that the only time we care about anything is when it effects us or someone we’re close to, now here’s the hurtful truth about that: It’s proof of being self centered.
Now, before you whip out the torches and pitch forks on me, allow me to say, and openly admit, that I am not much better myself in that aspect, no one is. There is not a single person on this earth who is not at least slightly self centered. The problem there however, is that many refuse to acknowledge the fact. Now, I’m not saying that you should be worried about each and every person’s emotional state, while it would be nice to be able to do such, the human mind would not be able to withstand being subjected to that much worry without being rendered clinically insane, what I am saying, however, is maybe it would do some good to open our eyes a bit to the people around us. Instead of looking for something to judge someone harshly on, look for something about that person you find displeasing that is admirable. Maybe that punk girl with the bright pink hair is not a freak, but someone who has the guts to be herself in a judgmental world, that old man who gets in your way because he’s walking so slow, even though he’s aging and his mobility is impaired he’s still trying to be independent instead of asking someone else to go out and get something for him. How about that cashier who seems to be having a bad day? He or she may be showing more restraint than even you have to still do her job regardless of the fact one of their parents is in the hospital, you just don’t know, do you? You glance over people and, they’re just people, do you ever stop to think that just maybe, there’s more to them then you see on the surface? Or do you think the only person who’s story matters is your’s?
I watch people, how they act and react, I can’t help it, I tend to study them, I find their interactions fascinating and I’ve noticed these things. I’ve noticed some of the things I mentioned above in myself as well, but I think there is one huge difference between me and a good number of these people I observe, that difference being, I see my flaws, I acknowledge them, I work to fix them to at least some degree. A good many others seem blinded to their own actions. They either willingly ignore these flaws in themselves, try to explain them away or flat out deny them. But what happens when you acknowledge them as a part of yourself? You can try to deny it all you want but that does not change the fact these traits are present in every person on this earth, some times to a greater extent, sometimes to a lesser one, but they are still there. If you want to truly see this world, you need to see yourself and accept your flaws are as much a part of you as your strengths.
Also, for those who read this and had it crop up in their head that I’m crazy or don’t know what I’m talking about, or any of those other little rationalizations you may be coming up with, as well as to those who have been hanging on to any mistake I made in typing this just to give you something to judge on when I deliberately went without spellchecking or proofreading this entry before posting it for that very reason. . .well, guess what. . .
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